When Water and Light Dance

This post is about my baptism.  Now, that may come as a surprise to some of you.  Well, don’t worry.  It won’t surprise you anymore than it surprised me.  You see, I started out on this path (spiritually speaking) looking for God.  With no idea where to find Him, I’ve wandered through Christianity, out, into Yoga, past Buddhism and Hinduism, around some new-agey no-name stuff, and back to Christianity.  Why?  Good question.  I believe that the answer is because I asked for it.  I asked for God to come to me, to reveal Himself (I think I’ve used words like Herself, Universe, Source, Creation, etc…but words are only words so to keep this simple, we’re going to stick with Him) to me and to let me know Him.  I also specifically asked for a loving, wonderful group of people to help me know God and – more importantly – that are living the life God intended us to live.  I wanted to surround myself with the people that I hope to become.

In answer to my my begging and pleading (prayer just doesn’t seem whiney enough to describe how I felt), I stumbled upon the wonderful people at North End Collective Church.  (You can read about that beautiful synchronicity here.)  I have felt a deep connection with everyone there and have witnessed people who truly desire to know God at a deeper level and who WALK that walk every day.  So I said, “Sign me up!”  And the rest, as they say, is history.

If you know me, you know I don’t just skim the surface of something new.  I bury myself in it.  Wallow around like a pig in mud.  Taste, smell, and touch it.  I dive in head first and go for it with gusto.  And this has been no different. l went from never attending church to attending the Sunday service, the Thursday house church, volunteering on the hospitality committee and the child watch group, AND hosting a weekly women’s Bible study.  Cuz that’s how I roll.  And I love every minute of it.  Every minute of my day (well, the free ones anyway!) are contemplating God, learning about what He wants for me.  It’s fantastic.  It’s given me so much inner JOY that I could sing.  Well, I won’t because apparently loving God doesn’t mean you automatically sound like an angel.

So, life was going along just beautifully when one day Bill, the pastor, asked me if I’d be interested in getting baptized.  Without much thought or hesitation, I said, “YES!”.

The questions came later.  And yes, there were a LOT.

My main concerns were that as a new Christian I would somehow be telling anyone who was not a Christian that they are wrong and I am right, because let’s face it, the Church has been saying that for YEARS.  I was assured that this was only a declaration of MY love for God and for Jesus and my desire and willingness to follow THEM.  Not a church.  This is an outward symbol of something that had already taken place inside.

Ok.  I was totally cool with that, and with all of the other little things we chatted about.  Then they gave me my homework.  WHAT?!  Julie (Bill’s wife) asked me to read every scripture I could find about WATER.  The significance of it.  The beauty and power.  See what it means in terms of baptism, but also in other ways.  So like the diligent student (read: NERD) that I am, I did exactly that. And this is what I came up with:

• It was there in the beginning.
• It is where first life came from.
• “No one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit.” John 3:5
• It is part of physical birth, then spiritual.
• “to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word.” Eph 5:26 (speaking of the church)
• Water cleanses.
• Jesus washed the disciples’ feet – showing how to serve.
• Water is LIFE to everyone and everything.
• It represents SPIRIT: “draw waters out of the wells of salvation”, “come to the waters”, “whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst but the water I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasing life.” (direct quotes from various Bible verses)
• THE SEA – represents restlessness and tribulation in the Bible.  In Rev 21 it says, “there was no longer any sea.” Meaning there’s no more chaos and tribulation as we know now.  In three verses Jesus calmed the sea.
• Destruction.  Flood.  Waves.
• And last, DEATH.  Many people physically die in water.  Through baptism, we can have a spiritual death, and also a rebirth.

I sent this off to Julie and Bill and then waited with some trepidation for the day to come.  I wasn’t nervous about actually being baptized – I was actually feeling very at peace with my decision.  I had spent more time questioning and researching for this moment than I ever did for my marriage.  So I was ready.  But I was going to have to speak.  In front of everyone.  AGAIN.

I decided to rib Bill just a bit when I began my speech – the topic being “Why Baptism?”.  To begin, I said something like, “There are two things I REALLY don’t like doing.  Speaking in front of people.  And getting dunked in really cold water.  And somehow Bill has managed to talk me into both of these things.”

I got a nice chuckle for that one.

I had made a list of the reasons I wanted to be baptized, but honestly, it felt like a grocery list.  Go through, check it off one by one, throw it in the trash when finished.  Repeat.  It didn’t have any heart and SOUL behind it.  One day Ivy told me she also wanted to get baptized and I asked her why.  She looked at me as only a 6 year old can, with complete disbelief that you can be such an idiot and said, “Because I love God.”

Oh yeah.  THAT’S the answer.  And that’s the one I shared.  The ultimate one.  The reason for everything I’ve been doing.  I love God and want to know Him more.  Simple enough.

In my research and planning for my pre-Baptism speech I looked for a verse that combined Water and Light – to tie in my previous story with my current one.  If you haven’t read that blog, just jump over here.  This is what I found:

For with you is the fountain of Life;
In Your light, we see light.
~ Psalms 36:9

And while I was trying to find that, this word came up in the search as well:

Radiant: “to sparkle”, (from the sheen of a running stream).

That is why I got Baptized.  To see the Light.  To be cleansed and re-born from the Water.  To be RADIANT.

Old Dena

Dead Dena

NEW DENA!

A week or so later, Bill asked me if anything had changed.  If I felt “different” somehow.

“Yes. I have actually,” I replied.

“How so?” he asked me.

“Well, it’s difficult to explain exactly, but I had set that day as a moment when I WOULD change, I absolutely EXPECTED change.  And I got it.  I feel more clarity, sometimes a verse will make sense that never has before, or I just KNOW that I need to do something.  Our household has been more peaceful and well, everything’s just been better.  Behind it all, I think that I have been living INTENTIONALLY, every single day.”

In Love and Light,

Dena

Love and Light

Every now and then God speaks so loudly and clearly that you can’t help but hear.  Can’t help but pay attention.  You may not understand – that’s a whole different thing – but you hear.  And that’s a great start.

Back in June a group of ladies from our church spent the weekend in Cascade at a family’s cabin.  The purpose was to have fun, fellowship, and food – three things I can whole-heartedly dive into.

As I was loading up my car on Friday afternoon, Ivy gave me a piece of paper.  She gives me LOTS of pieces of paper.  Sometimes with drawings.  Sometimes with words.  Sometimes both.  Sometimes they make sense.  Sometimes, well, not so much.  But ALWAYS do I love them.  This was no different.  She had copied down a Bible verse that was on a craft project from a week or two previous.

I told her how wonderful it was – and that I would tuck it away in my journal so that I could think of her and that verse while I was away.  Then I left.

On Saturday morning we spent some time discussing THIS particular verse – the one Ivy had given me.  Jesus spoke these words during Hanukkah, at the Feast of Lights.  So we spent time looking at the significance of this, discussing what this means in our lives.  From there we went to a story about a child:

A child admiring the stained glass windows in her church one morning asked her mother about the people pictured in them.  ’Those are God’s saints’, her mother explained.  ’They are people who proved their love for Him.’
In her Sunday school class sometime later, the girl’s teacher asked the class to explain what a saint is.  ’Saints are people the light shines through,’ the child wisely replied.

We then read through three verses that showed that WE are called saints.  You.  Me.  We.

Romans 1:7  To all in Rome who are loved by God and called to be saints: Grace and peace to you from God our Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ.

Ephesians 1:1  Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, to the saints in Ephesus, the faithful in Christ Jesus.

Ephesians 1:18  I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints.

A saint is defined as “dedicated to God, set apart as holy or sacred”.

The question following this was: “So, if we are saints, children of Light, the light of the world…How then should we live?  How are you currently living as a child of light?  And in what ways are you still living in “darkness”?

Everyone shared, talked, and discussed these questions with passion and fervor.  Everyone but me.  I didn’t have a single thing to add. Honestly, it was a bit much for me.  I was still trying to wrap my poor little brain around the first verse.  So I stayed silent and listened.

When we broke apart for quiet time – to read, pray, and contemplate quietly, I internally sighed and thought to myself, “Oh great.  Now I get to sit here and stare at my Bible and this piece of paper and pretend to have some enourmous revelation.”  Not so psyched.  I was looking forward to the hot springs and a nice long walk.

But, until then, I had to at least look like I knew what I was doing.  So I flipped open my (GIGANTIC) Bible, and this is the page it opened to:

I read it twice.  Maybe three times.  Surely there can’t be that many verses on Light in the Bible yet I had stumbled upon a really beautiful one that wasn’t included in our (I thought) fairly extensive list.  I showed it to Julie, the discussion leader.  She was thrilled – thought that it said that God was showing me something, that He was speaking to me.  Well, if that’s the case, He’s going to have to be a lot more clear because I still wasn’t getting the message.

After half an hour or so we re-grouped to share what we had found.  As we did my journal fell open and the piece of paper that Ivy had sweetly scribbled the Bible verse on the previous day fell out.  My jaw about hit the floor.  I showed that to Julie as well.  You can imagine the reaction.  If the first verse was an obvious sign of a message from God, then this was just icing on the cake.  I shared it with the group and they were equally amazed, but sadly, no one had an “answer” for me as to what this might mean.  It was my puzzle to work out apparently.

We spent the rest of the weekend, talking, laughing, singing, soaking in hot springs, hiking around the mountain, eating and drinking, and I gave no more thought to my messages of Light.

Until I got home.

Johnny had left the day before for a flying job in Washington.  Luckily, his mom and step-dad were in town doing a bit of house hunting so we had a place for the girls to hang out while I went on my girls’ retreat.

I arrived home to a quiet, empty house.  I showered, unpacked, cleaned up the dishes that had been left in the sink. (Ahem.) A couple of hours later Susie and Roger brought the girls home, properly sugared up from a quick stop at Baskin-Robbins on the way over.  They had been house hunting with a realtor that lives in Emmet.  She has a small farm and they spent a bit of time there showing the girls the chickens and cows and horses.  She was kind enough to send them home with a dozen eggs for me.  Susie gave them to me and said that she always put a Bible verse inside the carton.  Out of curriosity, I opened it.  And about dropped the eggs.

Then it was off to church.  We have a really wonderful band in our church.  It rocks, literally.  It’s a get up and dance kind of a place.  No hymns here.  Thank goodness – a soprano I am NOT.  So, as always, the band is rockin’ and they played one of my favorite songs – “Marvelous Light” by Charlie Hall.  If you’d like to listen, you can go here. We sang it loud and strong.  Here’s the lyrics to the first verse:

Into marvelous light I’m running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross You are the truth
You are the life, You are the way

As we’re singing, and I hear the reference to Light over and over and over, it’s almost as if I can feel that Light beaming down on me.  I was sure others could see it.  I started to cry, but oh I kept singing.  Belting it out in my best off-key but loud voice.  Then we sang this verse:

Lift my hands and spin around
See the light that I have found
Oh the marvelous light
Marvelous light

We sang it twice and both times I just stood there, sort of swaying to the music.  Feeling it but not truly allowing it to move ME.  And after that second time, I realized I so badly wanted to throw my hands up – to really allow the Light inside, to feel it fully and express it outwardly.  But the song started to wind down.  I almost choked on my happy tears.  In my head I said a silent prayer, “Please God just let them play that one more time and I will throw my hands up to you and I will fully express your Marvelous Light.”

And they did.

Now, please understand, this sort of jumping around throwing your arms up and practically screaming the words of a song I had always reserved for rock concerts.  But this isn’t your normal conservative buttoned-up suit wearing kind of church. (Or, in my world THAT was the normal.)  The music, as I mentioned, ROCKS.  The feeling is utterly spiritual.  People will speak out often with an “AMEN.” “Praise Jesus.”  People put their hands in the air.  They spin around.  They are giddy with the Light and Love of God.  And so was I.

Afterward, the smile on my face beamed.  My eyes sparkled.  I had felt the Light.  I knew what it was.  I knew what it FELT like.

The following morning, I started off my day as I do most, by reading in my book “Daily Om” by Madisyn Taylor.  And when I opened the book, I nearly fell out of my chair.

This was  the title of the day’s inspirational reading.  How could that be??!!  I was still high on the fullness I had felt the night before.  I knew what it meant.  I have that Light, we all do of course, but I had tapped in, and reached it, and now I had to start spreading it.

In Love and Light,

Dena

Re-Post: First there was water

In preparation for this weekend, I’ve been reading about and meditating on water.

It’s significance in our life, as well as the symbolism behind it.  It brings life… and death.  It cleanses and destroys.  Think of the many references to water in the Bible…

• It was there in the beginning
• It was where first life came from
• In John 3:5 Jesus tells his followers that “No one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit.”
• Jesus washed his disciples’ feet in John 13 to show us how to serve
• In the Bible the sea is a symbol of tials and tribulations. Uncertainty.  Fear.  Jesus clams the sea many times.  And in Revelation 21 it states of the new Earth “…there was no longer any sea.”
• Death and destruction.  The floods, the droughts.  The power of the water is a frightening thing to behold.

As I was reflecting upon these ideas in preparation for my Baptism in the river this weekend, I remembered a post I’d written what seems like another lifetime ago.  Here it is for you to enjoy.

 

I lived in Hawaii for three years.  During that time, I traveled to Maui twice.  On one of those trips I was on a scenic drive along the northern shore with friends.  As with most scenic drives, parked cars and gawking tourists littered the highway.  At one such spot, there were so many cars parked we could barely squeeze through, so we figured we should go ahead and stop too.

We pulled over and walked into the jungle.  We had no idea what we were going to see.  There were no signs.  This location was not on the map.  For all we knew natives could be luring in dumb tourists and throwing them into Haleakala, the island’s volcano.

As we clambered up the steep, slippery, single-wide trail, we passed many people headed the other way – soaking wet and grinning.  Ahh… a local watering hole.  Just the ticket for a warm tropical day.

When we arrived, there indeed was an enormous, clear, deep pool, complete with waterfall tumbling into the far end.  A line of people hugged the cliff for a chance to dive off while many more splashed through the churning waters below.

We paused for a moment to watch the commotion and allow others to pass by us and a group of people walking down from an almost invisible path came toward us.  ”Follow this path.  There’s another pool and waterfall about a hundred yards up and there’s no one there.  It’s amazing.”

So we did.

And it was.

I don’t think I have to describe to you the amazing tropical beauty, the lushness of the jungle, colors of the flowers, the clearness of the water.  Just know that this place had HEAVEN written all over it.

So we jumped in, we swam, we splashed, we dove.  The water was surprisingly cool and washed away the travel-weariness that had set in.  After an hour or more, we all drifted to our own little nooks of the pool.  I floated on my back, looking up through the canopy of the trees at the dazzling blue sky above.  I didn’t move.  I didn’t think.  I just WAS.

And that’s when I heard it.  Bu-Bum.  Bu-Bum.  Loud.  In my ears – no – in my HEAD.  I listened some more.  Bu-Bum.  Bu-Bum.  So perfect and steady.  A heartbeat.  My heartbeat?  No.  Definitely not mine.  Mine was going much faster from the chill I was starting to feel.  Maybe it’s the beating of the waterfall against the rocks.  Wrong again.  That’s a giant unending WHOOSH that I can also hear.  I listened.  I strained to pick out and identify all the individual sounds that filled my ears and still this one beat on – Bu-Bum.  Ba-Bum.  Deep and loud and sloooow.  And oh so peaceful.  Finally I quit trying to locate it and just accepted it and that’s when it hit me.  I was listening to the heartbeat of Mother Earth.  Of the Universe.  Of the Divine Energy.  It was there all the time of course, but only in that moment had I been able to hear it, able to shut down my own chatter long enough to tune in….

With that realization came others over time.  I understood that there is so much more to God than our little pea-brains can possibly fathom.  I understood that God is not some old man in a chair passing judgements and delving out appropriate punishments.  I understood that I was a part of that heartbeat, that so was every single other being, that we were all connected, all ONE.  I understood that that heartbeat was LOVE at it’s purest and that all we had to do was stop and listen.

 

Celebrate Everything. And Nothing.

When I opened my email account this morning, this was the message I received from Tut.com – it’s a daily email service from “The Universe”.

Whatever you’re going to do today, dena, please, do it to the best of your ability.  As if it was all that mattered; as if it was all you had; and as if your very happiness depended upon it.  Because these are among the very truths you came here to learn.

You rock,
The Universe

This one really hit home. Quite frankly, most of Tut’s little tidbits of wisdom do, but today I felt this one at my core.

I have felt at various times in my life that I’m doing the exact OPPOSITE of that.  That instead of doing everything to the BEST of my ability, I’m doing them as quickly as possible, or with my mind, one eye and both ears all focused on entirely different things.

To what end?

At the end of the day, I can’t always remember WHAT I did.  And half the things I did were half-assed.  Good enough.  Instead of being present for each and every task, I was half a world away.

I may accomplish a lot in a day: for us a typical day includes swim and/or ballet lessons, cleaning and cooking, crafts, park or lake, errands, workout/yoga, meditation/reading, hanging out with Johnny, writing, and work.  That’s quite a bit to squeeze into a day and really expect to do any of it well.

Imagine the times when you have done something to the very best of your ability.  Remember the feeling of accomplishment, the pride, the wonder at your own ability – even if it was a mundane task.  I remember a time only about 2 weeks ago when I decided I’d had enough of my grimey shower.  I HATE cleaning the shower.  Always have.  Something about it makes me feel clausterphobic and mine always seems to be especially grimey because I put on oil after I shower.  Good for the skin.  Bad for grimeyness.  But this one particular day I got in there and REALLY cleaned that sucker.  I soaked it TWICE.  Then I got out the scrub brush and got IN the shower and scrubbed – from top to bottom – until it SPARKLED.  And when I was finished, I ran and got Johnny and showed it off like a masterpiece – a great work of art that I had put YEARS into.  Because really, I had.  For YEARS, I’ve had this conversation in my head about how awful cleaning the shower is.  I’ve spent hours, days, weeks, months, arguing with myself about doing or not doing this task.  I’ve thought about it, procrastinated it, chastised myself for procrastinating it, and then justified it HUNDREDS of times.  And all of that effort amounted to – a REALLY clean shower.

And you know what?  I was totally PSYCHED.  I was happy with the work.  I felt really good while I was doing it (scrubbing showers will give you pretty shoulder muscles) and loved the results.  And all I did was clean the shower – really, really WELL.  My BEST.

And if we did EVERYTHING with that sort of love, attention, and focus, with that DESIRE to do our very best; we would have those same results – again and again and again.

Imagine a day where everything you accomlished  you felt REALLY good about.  That put you over-the-moon with GLEE!  Imagine what a day like that would feel like – the bubbly joy, the giddy smile, the jumping-up-and-down like a kid.  Yeah, that would feel pretty good.

One thing I’ve realized though is that if I’m really going to do everything to that level, I’ll probably have to spend more – look out, here it comes – TIME on them. Oh, yeah.  Time.  The one thing I hear EVERYONE complain about and wish for.  So where are we going to get MORE time to do these things?

It’s called PRIORITIES my dear.

You see, we all have them, they just may not be that clear.  We do so many things on auto-pilot, without really thinking.  I get up, make the bed, get dressed, make coffee, work for a bit, make breakfast, clean kitchen, head out for workout/swimming lessons/errands, eat lunch, do crafts, dinner, clean-up, bedtime, hang with Johnny… you get the drift.  These are my days in a nutshell.  When I can I squeeze in the yoga, meditation and reading.  But honestly, I tend to rush through everything, not really doing a great job of any of it.  If I had a magic “Effort Measurer” I would probably say I give anywhere from 50-80% of my ability to any given task.  The low end represents anything to do with cleaning and the mundane “maintenance” of life.  The higher end is anything people related, and I guarantee that most things fall to the lower side of the scale.  Good, but not my BEST, and I rarely have any sense of satisfaction.  I just feel like I can check something off of my list.  Even the things that should be fun – just check-off.  Then I move on to the next task.

I know people who give their best.  I’ve seen it in action.  Only in a few individuals, but it is there.  They have a carefully crafted existence where every single thing they do is thought out and prioritized, and they CAN give 100% of themselves to each and every task.  They don’t multi-task (there’s no such thing by the way).  They do one thing, they do it well, and they move on.  And there’s a really deep satisfaction to their days that can only be achieved by doing your best.

So that’s my goal for today.  Whatever I decide to do – I’m giving it 100%.  I’m going to do it to the best of my ability.  I’m going to celebrate those little mundane things with a child’s enthusiasm.  I’m going to be completely present – whether it’s for folding laundry or crafting with Ivy.  Or doing NOTHING.  That’s something most of us are truly terrible at – really doing absolutely NOTHING.

What things do you put your whole heart and soul into?  What things do you skim over?  What task can you bring your best to today?  And how will you Celebrate???

Life’s a Party,

Dena

These Are the Moments

When raising children, there are moments that will shine in our memories forever.  Something funny they did, or their ‘firsts’ as they’re learning to navigate the world around them.  The feel of their tiny hand in yours.  Their arms around your neck.  A slobbery kiss.

At worship (the fun sing & dance part of church) in church last night, Ivy stood up on the chair so she could see the words.  Then she leaned over, put her arms around me and her head on my shoulder for a from-the-back-hug and sang the words right into my ear.

She’s only six, so some of the words were above her ability, but she got most of them, and the ones that were repeated she belted out with the rest of us.

She held me tight.  So tight I thought I would burst with Love.

When the songs ended, she grabbed her shoes and her bear, gave me a kiss, and skipped that little Ivy skip downstairs for Sunday School.

These are the moments, the moments we live for, the moments that let us know we are ALIVE.

Live fully.  Be open.  Be brave.

Dena

Since I’m Not Wandering Around Alaska…

I know that I’ve titled this (and myself) The Part Time Gypsy.  However, our wanderings over the past couple of years have been restricted to the more close-to-home variety: parks, libraries, movies, back yards, etc.  I’ve found myself not feeling the gift of gab about these more mundane and “normal” wanderings, but instead just living my life, going through each day. Most days are good, some even great – but they feel very “normal”, very un-noteworthy you might say.  Or perhaps it’s just that instead of curling up with my MacBook on a warm summer evening, I’d rather curl up with my family.  Either way, I’ve been MIA.  Again.  :)

I did just write a post however – over on my other blog, The Drive Through Christian.  It’s about a different sort of journey, a spiritual one, the one we’re always on even when we’re doing dishes, playing with Legos, and paying bills.  It’s always there at the heart of our lives – guiding us and helping us make decisions, questioning us and making us take a good hard look at WHY we do the things we do.

This journey has been HUGE for me over the past year.  I haven’t felt the desire to write about it just yet, but suddenly it came.  It hit me pretty hard and I just felt a need to share.  It’s over HERE on the other blog site.  (If you haven’t signed up for those email alerts yet, you can do so.  Unfortunately, being signed up for this one will not get you automatically on that list!)

The blog itself is short because there’s a recording of my story that I’ve included.  Take a listen.  See if it resonates with you.  Have you had a similar experience?  Or any experience that made you KNOW in your heart that God listens?  I’d love to hear them.

From Off the Beaten Path, (Wow.  Never realized the spiritual significance of those words until now.  That’ll make a GREAT blog someday… )

Dena

SNOOOOW!!

We had a gorgeous wintry day here.  The girls were so excited to get outside and play in the snow.

Turns out they were actually more interested in EATING it.

The fun thing about snow is that all of the normal stuff you do outside suddenly becomes a new and exciting adventure.  Ivy made snow angels.

I love that she squeals with delight the whole time she’s making it.  Such pure JOY.

Lucy couldn’t quite figure out the snow angel making process, but she had fun.  Mostly eating snow.  Walking in the snow.  Looking at the snow.  Knocking it off of things.

 

As we tromped around the yard and neighborhood, we found the first signs of SPRING!

I know I’m ready for it to get here!

From off the beaten path,

Dena

 

I’m Back

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve logged in.  I almost forgot my password.  My really super secret one.  For real.  It’s harder to remember than my passwords for my bank accounts.  I guess I’d rather someone logged in and stole my money than stole my thoughts.

Since the last post, life has been good.  There’ve been ups and downs for sure – the normal things in family life.  New words (actually – pronounced AHK-SHOOLEY), new bumps (right on the noggin!), new skills (reading), and a few new decisions (to move to a cheaper place).

Life as mom is like an obstacle course – up, down, over, through, under, now swim!  Ok, run, crawl, shimmy, DUCK! And fall on the ground panting at the end savoring the bumps, bruises, scraped knees, and screaming muscles.

Not that MY life is EVER that physical.  I only use that as a metaphor for the way I’m always changing gears.  First we’re playing, then we’re fighting, then we’re loving, then we’re hungry, then we’re poopy, back to playing and oh, now we’re tired….

It’s a game of trying to always stay one step ahead.  And most days I do alright.

I’ve found several tools along the way that are a tremendous help.

Simple Mom

She’s funny, she’s sweet, she’s simple, and she has fantastic ideas for not only surviving, but enjoying this job we call motherhood.  She’s a little drop of sanity in my crazy soup.

Me Time

This is essential.  I HAVE to have some me time.  It doesn’t really matter what I do with it – as long as it doesn’t involve the computer, my cell phone, laundry, or cleaning supplies – it is absolute HEAVEN.  I do yoga in the morning, followed by some inspirational reading and meditation.  Right now I’m working through Daily Om by Madisyn Taylor.  A great way to start off your day.  I squeeze in a little something in the afternoon – it’s very short, but maybe just a few deep breaths before starting up my computer for the afternoon work session.  The evenings are nice and quiet and I can find time to either journal or read.  Although I’m also happy to forgo the me time for a little us time with my hubby.

Friends

A day spent with friends is like water to a thirsty person.  It doesn’t matter what we do, it’s just so much more fun.  As all of us have gotten busier and busier and our gatherings have become fewer, I’ve realized just how important this togetherness is – to me AND to the kids.  The kids learn to play with others and share their toys.  They also get the adventure and excitement of playing with new toys, in a new place, or look at the old stuff in a whole new way.  Sometimes we have these get togethers on neutral territory so no one person is left with the aftermath and on those days there’s a whole new type of fun to be had.  And for the moms?  Total bliss.  The children laughing and screeching for joy while we enjoy each other’s company and conversation.  Sharing in our struggles and our wins, laughing through the rest because really, what else can ya do?

A JOB

This is another important part to my sanity.  I don’t think I really realized how good it is for me until today when my boss and I were chatting and talking about the stress that we were each dealing with in our lives at the moment.  Hers was mostly client related because she deals with them directly.  Mine was two-year old and lack of exercise related.  Totally different worlds.  So when I come to work and the aforementioned two-year old is sleeping peacefully in her crib, I heave a sigh of relief and relax a bit as I sit down to work.  The ability to use my brain and have someone else tell me what they want done (well, I guess I get that all day, but she doesn’t whine or scream at me at the top of her lungs) is a great respite from having long conversations that wind around from the doll’s latest get-up to what to feed dragons to how to properly play the game “Blast Off”.  It’s good for my brain and my self-esteem.  I remember there’s an intelligent adult somewhere under here.

Spiritual Study

This is something I’ve always done, though mostly alone.  Recently however, we have been lucky enough to find a wonderful group of people that we feel a deep connection with.  We go to church with them (WHAT?! ME – IN CHURCH!?! – Ok, more on that on my other blog The Drive Through Christian in a few days.  It should be a good one so be sure and check it out.), and then we have weekly small group meetings to just talk.  The topics vary and are chosen and presented by our pastor.  The kids are tucked in with a movie for the evening and the adults dig deep for the meaning of life.  It’s a great reminder that there’s something much larger out there, that we are loved in so many beautiful ways, and that others often struggle with the same things we do.  We’re truly not alone.  And if you’re interested, we’ve been going to the North End Collective Church.  They have a website and a podcast.

So this is what I’ve been doing.  What my family has been doing.  We’ve found a rhythm that feels good to us, that supports our needs and wants, that allows growth.  That provides structure as well as space for spontaneity.  Unfortunately, I’ve left blogging out of that ensemble.  I didn’t mean to and I’ve realized of late that I DEARLY miss it.  It was my go-to for creativity, for releasing pent-up feelings, ideas, and frustrations, and I just let it fall to the side like an old used sock.

What I’ve realized is that those things – creativity, feelings, ideas, and frustrations – if they’re not released, they just build up inside of us.  And I was starting to feel like I might just BURST open if I didn’t start letting some of them out.  So this is my attempt to start doing that again.  To allow myself to create, to take my pen to paper (or my fingers to keys as it were) and see where they take me.

I once learned a phrase that has stuck with me – “I’m Back”.  I was taught to use it anytime my head was spinning in the clouds and I was feeling overwhelmed.  It’s useful for grounding yourself and getting back into the moment, for reminding yourself of where you’re at and what you’re doing RIGHT NOW.  It’s also known that you will use this over and over and over again, because no matter how many times you come back, you will also stray away.  It’s an ebb and flow.  So, I’m Back.  Again.

Do you ever feel like there’s something inside of you – just waiting to come out?  Are you BURSTING at the seams?  Share it.  We’d all love to hear about it.

Thanks for still being here,

Dena

Be True, Be YOU

Given the opportunity, most people would say that they want to better themselves.  They want to take the steps to become the people that they were meant to be.  They want to do the things they’ve dreamed about for years and years.  But how many people ––how many of YOU––still have dreams burning inside you that haven’t come true yet?  Or dreams that have been so long buried you’ve completely forgotten what they are?

So what’s the problem?  Why do we allow these dreams to pass us by?  And what are the consequences for allowing them to die?

Two weeks ago I was working at the first annual AY Live event, held in beautiful downtown Charleston, South Carolina.  As some of you may recall, I work for Kris Ward of Abundant Yogi.  I’m a virtual assistant.  My daily tasks range from customer service phone calls and emails, to social media posts, weekly reporting, slide creation, and scheduling.  For this event I was in charge of all of the incidentals – the food and drinks, chair rental, contract negotiation, and a few other miscellaneous items.  Upon arrival, my supervisor Amber and I hit the ground running.  We loaded 2 cars full of everything we would need for an entire weekend event, plus our personal bags and computers, all of Kris and her husband Kraig’s personal items, and two dogs and their paraphernalia.  And all of that had to go down a big flight of stairs to get loaded up.

Then it was off to downtown Charleston.  When we arrived, we had to unload all of said items from the car as quickly as possible so we wouldn’t risk a parking ticket or melted pumpkin ice cream.  The first would have been a bummer.  The second, a tragedy.  Then it was up to the 2nd and 3rd floors.  Thank God for elevators.  And freezers.

Once everything was unloaded and generally stored in the right areas, we got started.  Now, I have never hosted, planned, coordinated, set up for or frankly had anything to do with an event like this before.  So, you can imagine my feelings of “What do we do now?” when we walked into the space.

The space is gorgeous.  It’s a huge loft apartment.  However, to make it into an event space for 35 people, we had some rearranging to do.  The bed and dining table had to go.  The couches had to be rearranged.  The rented chairs had to be set up.  We needed music, and the ability to play a DVD.  Food and drinks had to be brought in and set up.  Then there was all of our materials for the event.  By 3:00 Amber and I were dead on our feet and getting a little “hangry”––a word somebody coined that weekend––a nasty combination of hungry and angry.

We took a break for a sandwich and some coffee but we were still feeling the strain.  The pressure was on to make this an AWESOME weekend for these ladies.  To absolutely out-do ourselves in every way.  But finally at 6:00 they started arriving and we could relax, because at that point, it was game ON and there was nothing more that we could do.

It was SO amazing to see everyone.  Eleven of these ladies I had met at the retreat back in May, so it was great to reunite and chat a bit.  The other 15 or so women I hadn’t actually met but had communicated with via emails and phone calls and some I was friends with on Facebook.  I knew their kids’ names and what kind of soup they had made for dinner.  I felt like I already knew them and we were just one big happy family.  I relaxed a bit more.

The night kicked off with a talk on Lifestyle Design.  What is that?  Well, just what it sounds like – YOU design YOUR life.  You make conscious choices about where you want to live, and what you want to do.  You design out your perfect day starting with what time you get up, what you eat for breakfast, who you see during your day, every single thing you do that totally lights you up, all the way to the end when you decide what time you go to bed and what thread count your sheets are made of.

Seriously, the more details, the better.

The idea is that you make this very conscious list of what you want and then not only consciously start working toward it (want to live in the mountains?  Go look for a house.) but your subconscious also starts working on it and the Universe (or God if you prefer) lines up with you to help you make it happen.

Sounds pretty easy really, and it is.  This is how those dreams become reality.  We’ve all seen people do it.  Hell, I’ve done it a number of times.  So why are there so many un-lived dreams?

How many of us have had one or several or ALL of these excuses?

• I can’t.
• I don’t have the money.
• I don’t have the time.
• When the kids get older.
• When I’m in better shape.
• When the weather is nicer.
• I’m not smart/skinny/pretty/handsome/talented enough.

You get my drift.  We’ve all got excuses about why we can’t do things.  But if we keep listening to those excuses, we might actually start to believe them and then a part of us will die.  Without a dream, or worse – with a dream un-lived inside of us – we start to see the world through a very negative set of eyes.  We see a world in which dreams don’t come true, and life is hard and ugly, and where we can’t do anything and we have nothing to offer to the world.  That’s not a pretty world, nor is it a happy mental space to be in.

And that’s what Kris does.  She’s a Lifestyle Design Coach.  She works with people to help them figure out the whats and wheres by asking questions and listening to the answers carefully.  Then she gives them a good kick in the ass and makes them get rid of their excuses so they can do it.  Sometimes it’s not pretty, but more often, it’s just having someone that holds them accountable that gets them moving. People get on the road to fulfilling lifelong dreams and they are happier, better people for it.  And once they’ve fulfilled one dream, the next one comes faster and easier, and then the next, and the next… and the cycle continues from there.

Many of the hour long presentations covered business-y type of things, but a few really stood out to me as things that EVERYONE needs, regardless of what business (or even lack thereof) you’re in.

Amber Kinney – my supervisor and organizational GENIUS – presented on just that: Organization and Time Management.  She talked about how to use some really great systems like Google calendar and Google Docs; Basecamp for managing big projects; Skype for communicating cheaply and easily; and several others.  But the core of her talk was what struck me -

It’s not about managing TIME, it’s about managing YOURSELF WITHIN TIME.

Hmmm…. ever looked at it that way?  Because really, time just marches on, doing its thing – it’s our ability to flex and bend, to prioritize and focus, that makes time work for us.  So she taught about that – prioritizing.  Knowing what is MOST important to you and then DOING it FIRST.  Giving 100% of yourself to the task until it is complete, and then relishing in the accomplishment.

She also gave tips on setting up daily rituals – really taking care of YOU so that you can really be present, feel your best, and just start, transition, and end your day on the right foot.  Each of these should nourish mind, body, and spirit.  A great example of a morning ritual would be:

• Body: drink water and exercise
• Mind: journal and meditation
• Spirit: inspired reading to reinforce the intention for each day

The focus through all of her talk was what makes YOU feel good, what helps YOU to feel organized and productive, hence allowing YOU to be the best YOU you can be…. see the theme beginning to blossom here?

Jessica Boylston-Fagonde at Brand Thyself came to the stage with an intensity that about blew me away.  Her business is to nail down––INTO ONE WORD––your core ESSENCE.  What differentiates you from them.  One word.  That’s it.  And then from there you can build and expand.  She works typically with Yoga teachers but is expanding into other similar holistic-minded businesses.  You could tell by watching her she wanted to grab each and every one of us and have a full two hour session to find each person’s essence.  However, we had only given her about 45 minutes.  So she had to pack it in.  To brand a yoga teacher (massage therapist, acupuncturist, etc…) is to find their personality and what makes them, well THEM.  This isn’t a thing, this is a person you’re selling – yourself.  You have to go as deep as you can and find that one thing that resonates with you at your core because with that pinpointed focus, you will attract the EXACT people to you who will LOVE your style.  It’s genius.  She’s a genius.  And again, the theme was Y-O-U.

Do you see the pattern here?  This was a build-your-business type of conference with a theme of Increase Velocity While Decreasing Tension.  Meaning, get where you want to get faster and easier.  But even in that, you’ve got to know WHERE you want to get which means you’ve got to know YOU.

This was really a workshop on getting to know yourself.  My little realization about halfway through.  That’s really what this is all about.  The fact that so many of us don’t REALLY know who we are.  We don’t know what we want to do, what lights us up, what our true genius is.  It seems to be an illusive gift bestowed upon the few rather than the many.  And why is that?  Why do so many of us walk through life not knowing what should be the simplest answer in the world?

Is it the false expectations put upon us by parents/peers/colleagues/society?  Is it fear of failure?  Or fear of success?  Yes, yes, and yes.  And all of these sprout from one place – Monkey Mind.

Kris talks a lot about Monkey Mind.  We’ve all got it.  It’s that constant chatter that’s going on in your head.  It might tell you you look fat, you’re stupid, or maybe it’s not quite that negative but it cautions you against trying anything that’s not “normal” or it worries unnecessarily about things that are completely out of your control.  It sucks the juice right out of you leaving you drained and empty, with no energy left for passion and reality.

The “cure” for monkey mind?  Well, there’s really no such thing, but anytime you catch yourself there, you say, (getting this straight from Kris)

“Thanks Monkey Mind for that little tidbit.  I’m HERE now and doing THIS.”

And then you have to just feel super present – in the moment.  Take a look at what is ACTUALLY going on around you.  What is your body feeling at that moment?  If you were spacing off worrying about a test you have coming up that day while eating your breakfast, come back to that yummy breakfast and taste it, smell it, see and feel it’s textures and colors.  Maybe broaden your awareness to your surroundings – the room you’re in, the sounds you hear… just be PRESENT, and then Monkey Mind fades away.

In that space left by Monkey Mind there is room for dreams, room for YOU to begin to shine.  And the more you dream and the more you shine, the more YOU will BE.  Simple as that.

We wrapped up the conference on Sunday with a talk from Hilary Rubin, a phenomenal coach and yoga teacher talked to us about Radical Self Acceptance.  She speaks from experience – she came from a broken (VERY broken) home, she had tremendous health problems.  She wanted to crawl in a hole and die.  Instead she stepped up and from her experiences and her life, she now leads other women to transform enormous pain and suffering into “pure, vibrant energy.”

She inspired each of us to be RADICALLY, UNAPOLOGETICALLY, UNABASHEDLY us… to live life fully and without regrets because those regrets manifest themselves – sometimes in diseases, or maybe a broken marriage, or maybe some other way.

So each of these women, these beautiful, talented, fully self-expressed women encouraged us to just be us.  To be true to that and then KNOW in our heart of hearts, that everything else would be PERFECT.

This quote from TUT, a daily inspirational quote service that I subscribe to, says it in such an awesome way: (put your name in for mine)

When you look into the mirror, dena, do you look for what you love the most?

Do you look for me?

Do you smile?

Did you just ask, “Is there any other reason to look into a mirror?

Smartie,

~ The Universe

I came back from the weekend tired, but fully aware of my own short-comings when it comes to being really and truly ME.  I have journaled about it and thought about it at length, and in some instances really let myself shine.  Last Thursday night’s yoga class was one of my best because instead of worrying so much about the poses themselves, I just came from that super authentic place and taught what was in my heart.

And it was spot ON.

From off the beaten path,

dena – Part Time Gypsy

When the kids are away….

Mommy’s gonna play.  That’s RIIIIIIIGHT.

The kids and Johnny left on a Saturday afternoon for a week-long stay in California.  Which left me ALONE.  We called it DENA WEEK 2011.

I was incredibly nervous about this, I’m not going to lie.  WHAT would I do with myself?  Would I just worry about the girls so much I couldn’t enjoy myself?  Would I get lonely or bored?

It turns out that I actually do incredibly well all on my own.

I had all this TIME – to do exactly what I wanted, when I wanted.  So when I got home from the airport, I threw my lunch in the oven to warm up and took 30 minutes to pick up the house, take out the trash and generally get my space to feeling just right.

After lunch, since it was the most beautiful day EVER, I headed out for a hike in the foothills.  I forgot how fast I can actually walk when I walk on my own.

These shoes were made for walkin'...

With the sun on my face and the lightest of breezes in my hair, I walked for over an hour.  I was actually a little tired when I finally got back to the car.  I haven’t really exercised much since sometime in June, so it was really nice to stretch my legs and get my blood and breath pumping again.

At some point on my hike, I realized the most amazing thing too – I wasn’t THINKING.  At all.  I had nothing to think about.  There was no one to care for, absolutely NOTHING that I had to do.  It was just me and it was a gloriously free feeling.

That evening I went out for a fancy-schmancy dinner with Johnny’s aunt, uncle and cousin.  I got to get dressed up.  I was on time without rushing.  I didn’t have to hurry home to relieve the baby-sitter.  However, the fact that I got home by 8:30 was sooooo fine by me.  I curled up in my coziest (aka NOT sexy) jammies and read my book until I couldn’t keep my eyes open.  So ends Day One.

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday followed in much the same ways.  Wake up whenever I want, do what I want, etc.  It was awesome.  And what was even MORE awesome was that I did NOT feel one bit guilty about it.

I found that with my family away, and the freedom to think only of myself and my needs and wants, I could totally relax, rest, rejuvenate.  They were all in someone else’s (very capable) hands.  But it made me wonder, WHY would I feel guilty?  More than a few people asked me if I felt that way – so it’s definitely expected.  But I don’t understand why.

My girls were having a GREAT time.  They were with Grandma and Grandpa going to the beach, the zoo, the aquarium, the pumpkin patch, and any other place they could think of to go.  They rarely wanted to talk to me and frankly, I was ok with that.  Johnny was doing his thing and we didn’t even need to check in that often.  Once in awhile it was nice to hear each other’s voice and know that everything was ok on the other end, but besides that, we all happily went along in our separate lives.

So why do so many people – especially MOMS – have so much trouble really kicking up their heals and having a great time when they FINALLY get some much deserved personal time and space?  Is it the need to always be in control – to be the responsible one, knowing they’re eating good food and sleeping well at night, that they’re safe from harm and learning their manners and ABC’s?  Is it the worry?  That something might happen if I’m not there?  Because yes, if they were to get in a car accident I am somehow going to jump out like Wonder Woman and pick up their car, carry it over to a safe spot and place it down gently out of harm’s way.

Or is it our own fears – our fear of being alone after so many years of being surrounded by noise, mess, chaos, and busy-ness?  That if we stop and have a moment’s peace, we’ll have to hear our own thoughts?

Hmmm….

Those five days I had to myself were such a treat.  I honestly wouldn’t trade them for anything.  I needed that time, to get back in touch with myself, to remember who I am and what I like.  To remember that I’m important too and that really, the only one who can take care of me, IS me.

The rest of my week went just as well as that first day.  I filled my time with Yoga, hikes, church, girls’ night, books, chick-flicks, cleaning, organizing, and journaling.  Whatever I wanted, just when I wanted it.  I recommend you do the same.

From off the beaten path,

dena ~ Part Time Gypsy